COMING TO SURFACE.
Another night in which I barely got any sleep whatsoever,after such a day…
Yesterday,I took my first ride ever on a chopper.
Meing a motorcyclist has been in my list of wishes for a couple of years now,and yesterday I could finally feel the handles in the palms of my hands and the cold spring morning wind blowing through my little ondulated locks.
It’s too bad that I’m living by myself and I have just enough money to live in this crazy city,let alone enough to afford such a great invention on two wheels.
I might never have such a chance again,so I took a little longer before going to bed in order to write about this amazing experience so that I’ll never forget it.
After riding for a whole day on a kind stranger’s beautiful Honda,I arrived home at around 10:30 pm,then made a little progress on the drawing I started working on less than two weeks before and…I somehow stayed up until 3-something a.m.,forgetting that my next school day started at 8 o’clock in the same morning…
You have no idea how I rushed to the bathroom and went to sleep after realizing how late it was.
Keep in mind that I wake up at 6:40 because I tend to listen to way too much metal every morning.
So here I was,23rd of April,2032.
(Alarm turns on,echoing like crazy throughout the entire cramped room I am sleeping in)
This is my usual reaction after I wake up.
As it seemed,everything started out as it usually does every other day.
But today wasn’t going to be another ‘‘normal’’ day.
I’m 17 years old (pretty close to being a major here,in New Vegas) and I’m in 11th grade at Ridgeview Highshool.As a metal head,I don’t have that many friends (nor do I need many) but I have a couple good pals I always keep close.There is this particular individual,a girl called Sylvie that I met around the end of the last semester (a couple months ago) and we’ve been inseparable ever since.Every break when I go out and get some smoke (yes,I smoke a lot actually,but that’s mainly for all the stress that I hold inside me as a pretty anxious young metallist),I meet her at the garages near our shool’s building.We have a lot of memories already,we know eachother’s thoughts just by making eye contact and we make a great team.Saying that,I think you already figured out that I fell for her and when I said ‘‘not a normal day’’,I meant that I’m onto confessing my deepest feelings towards her.
Regarding that,I got out of bed and crawled to the nightstand,turned on my speakers and went full-blown DeathCore a little earlier that 7:00 a.m.I couldn’t care less about the volume as I live by myself in this (pretty cramped but lovely) house.
(Pulling the courtains to let the natural light in)
I listened to the nice tune and looked through the window for another half an hour or so…
-This is so nice.Look at this…You can feel the nature’s aura,so full of life that it makes me feel at peace for once.
(I opened the window to feel the breeze)
-This soothing wind…Everything’s just so pleasant today.I hope I can keep this atmonsphere going throughout the entire day.
I lit at cigarette,starring into the bright blue sky and feeling the flowing wind overcome the heat of my room,refreshing me.By the time I threw the filter into my neighbour’s courtyard,it was already 7:40 and I was still in my trunks.
(Murmuring to myself)
’‘I think I started the day a little too confident compared to my usual state in the morning…Maybe that’s a good sign?’’
(Noticing how late it is)
-Oh no,not today!
(Rushing to the bathroom)
-I can’t be late today,no way!
I have this bad habit of leaving the house just when the school’s alarm rings,for some reason.Yes,I know the reason,it’s because I’m wasting time like that every morning,but a habit is a habit.
And here I did it again.I got myself cleaned and dressed as fast as I could and went out through the front door.
-Pfft,look at the time…I swear,I’m going to get up even earlier tomorrow and,for one time,get to classes in time.
(I calmly wander around the streets heading for Ridgeview,looking around in every direction as my earplugs are at maximum volume,playing some good piece of Slam;I have to be careful)
In a (slow) rush,I make it just in the for my French class,that starts at 8:26 for me only.
I sweep my hair to the right,arrange my tie and open the class’ door;the teacher was at the desk chatting whatever with the rest of the class.I’m not a fan of French anyways as I usually just stay on my phone each and every class.
-Good morning miss,sorry for being late aga…
(Teacher,suddenly) -Likewise,now get to your seat already.
(Teacher) -Try to come at least one minute earlier next time,okay,Allain?
(The rest of the class lets out a short and suppressed laugh;I blush a little)
-A-allright,I will try to be earlier.
(Teacher) -Great.Moving on,the last semester,as you already know,we have studied…
(I browse the internet until the bell rings;the teacher always permits me to do so as I don’t disturb anyone and because she’s aware that my prefferences don’t include her chosen language)
(Bell loudly rings)
(Teacher) -Class dismissed.See you next time!
(Class) -Goodbye teacher!
I put my pand in my pocket,trying to reach my lighter but can’t seem to find it.Instead,I just take a cigarette and head down the stairs,heading towards my usual meet-up place with Sylvie.
(Sylvie,excited) -Heads up,boss!
-‘Morning,bud (smiling);do you,by any chance,have a spare lighter?
(Sylvie,lets a big,sweet smile) -Of course (hands a tiny,pink lighter),anything for you!
I was a little flustered when she said that.From this point where I hand her lighter back and our hands touch,I blush a little.
-Something wrong?You seem to be thinking about something important.
My nose and cheeks turn bright red,I barely even respond.
(Sylvie,concerned) -Allain,don’t tell me.Another sleepless night?
I nod,maintaining contact with her bright green eyes that look like they’re sparkling for some reason.
(Sylvie,excited) -Care to tell why?
I get back to my regular self.That’s what happens most of the times when you’d make me talk about motorcycles.
-Say,remember about my dream of riding a real bike?
(Sylvie) -Of course,you always talk about how the dude from the other class put on the suppressor wrong and how you’d want to fix it!
-Great,then I have news!
Sylvie’s eyes get filled with curiosity as she’s expecting something great.I tell her about that kind stranger that let me waste hours of his life and whole litres of petrol from his tank.
(Sylvie,happy) -I can’t believe it,that’s amazing how he’d just let you handle it,let alone try to wheelie!
-And I was so close,AARGH!
We both start laughing
Bell starts ringing
-Oh,look at the clock.
(Sylvie) -Same stop,same cigarettes,right?
-You got it.
I slowly head back to the classroom.
(Thinking to myself): ‘‘I have to confess to her either the next break or the one after.Now I finally found the courage I’ve been looking for.Yeah,now’s the time and I’m getting real onto that.’‘
The following class goes on in such a boring manner that I almost instantly reach for my phone and start browsing.A notification,however,comes in way too loud as I forgot to mute this little devilish device in my hand.
-Tsk…(whispering to myself) ■■■■.
(Teacher) -Someone on their phone?
The silence of a graveyard fills the entire class
(Teacher) -Who was it?
I have to mention,as a metalhead I made a reputation.I am one of the most lively in my clas…and that’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when people started criticising the genres I like (and they didn’t even know what they were talking about bot oh,well) anjd started a mass argument.That was the first day at Ridge and also the day in which I made my first enemies there.
(A group of 5 people I had many arguments with and can’t suffer eachother) -It was him,dir (pointing at my face in a shameless manner).
(Techer,calm) AAh,what am I going to do with you,Allain?
-Sorry sir,I just…
(Teacher,suddenly) -No buts.I get it,you get bored easily.How about you come to the blackboard and have a little bit fun?
I get up from my seat and go to the blackboard;my anxiety rose and I almost tripped in front of the entire class.
(Voices from behind the class,muffled speaking) -Pfff,what an idiot.
-Almost broke his neck,haha!
-Ew,I don’t want to see that!
Here I am,standing in front of the class,on the postament.After hearing what these assholes make fun of me yet again,I peacefully cower in silence.I couldn’t say a word even if I wanted to.
(Teacher) -Easy there,no need to rush.I know you’re so impacient for an extra hard ecuation that couls potentially ruin this semester’s overall grade,but please take it easy (he looked at me in a friendly manner).
I keep silent and write the exercise as he tells me to.It was so easy for someone like me that excels at any science and theoretical matter,but the anxiety was still there,still growing,knowing that all eyes were on the guy with a skull chain and longer curly hair,waiting for him to make another mistake and make his life feel miserable again.
Laura,a classmate I’m affiliated with,notices that I’m going through yet another blockage,so she silently murmurs me the answers in order to get me out of my awkward spot.
(Laura,whispering in a discreet manner) -And that’s your solution,mark it off and just get back to your seat.
I wink my eyebrow for only her to see as a sign of respect and head back to my cramped,unconfortable yet still warm chair.
(Teacher) -But before you get beck to your seat,mind telling me what exactly were you browsing?
In times of anxiety,I either keep my mouth shut for good or speak the naked truth.The question caught me off-guard so I couldn’t help but say what I was actually searching,that is:
-I searched this guy’s blog,looking for tips on how to confess in a more casual manner.
The class remains silent for one second.The second after,a hysterical laugh echoes through the room and staright inside my heart that was close to breaking at this point.I am very sensible at being fun of as I had many altercations in my past as a child that…went through way too much.I could already feel my eyes heavier but I kept it all inside.Laura was looking at me,like she was my mother telling me to bear it and stay strong.
*HAHAHA WHAT DID HE…IS HE SERIOUS…THIS DUMB ■■■■■,HEARD HIM? etc.-
(Teacher,shouts) -Everyone,stop it this instant!
Silence unveils,although some were still whispering in the back,I felt like it was obviously regarding my mess-up
(Teacher) -Oh,look how late it is.Okay,class dismissed.Oh,Allain,try to let dating tips for the break next time,okay?
I felt a cold shiver,expecting the mass to start lauging again.As I expected,the teahcer went out the door,glaring at me,then the fun resumed.
I took my headphones and went outside in a desperate attempt to avoid all the words directed at me with the intent to break my constience down.
I met up with Sylvie;she came up to me in a hurry and asked me:
(Sylvie) -Hey,oh no,what happened now?
-Michael and the fuckers’ squad again.
(Sylvie,concerned coming to hug me) -Stop thinking,you did nothing wrong.
I refuse to hug her;she gives me some space for myself to cool down.
(Sylvie,dearly) -They always do this…You know these guys are just jealous at how amazing you are,so they try to take advantage of your pretty little heard.
I lay there,speechless,inhaling smoke in a more agressive way than before.
-I know,■■■■ them and their heads.
(Sylvie,relieved) -That’s right.Don’t let them pour their frustrations onto you,show them how strong you can be!
-I tried to keep cool,trust me,Sylvie…But this is the 8th time this week and everything just keeps going back,hitting harder each and every time.
(Sylvie) -You have me here.
My heart was racing.
My mind was a mess so I acted on instinct,not thinking it through.Though I didn’t really mess up,it was not an adequate moment for me to make my long waited move.
She stares at me as she knew what was going to happen.
(Sylvie,concerned) -Allain,don’t.Just relax,you went though enough this week.Try to rest.
-I think (ingoring what she just said)…Sylvie,I think (very determined)I’m in love with you.
Sylvye stares at me as if she was a little scared that was the case.Hell,she was shocker;the look on her face gave away the fact that she wanted to avoid this subject at all costs,however it was too late.
-You’ve always been right here,beside me.You understand and accept me.We also make a great team and we cope with eachother so…
Sorry,I must not be thinking straight.Care to repeat,please?
Me eyes at that moment…They were the truest symbol of hope.That was the most sincere expression I ever showed her.My eyes,my look,they were begging her to tell me what I was waiting for.
My eyes get even brighter that before.Such an aura was emanating out of them,it was blinding.But my eyes so full of expectation,hope and light were soon going to fade away to a shocked and almost dead expression.
(Sylvie) -I am sorry Alain,but…
I get up my feet.Still in shock,my ration came back to me in that very moment,realizing what just happened.I fell deep down inside my heart…My classmates,most of them hate me and make my life a fucking mess,my ecpectations and dreams,they never become reality and slowly fade into time,the only one I could ever cope me,has denied me…
(Thinking;my frustrations come to surface,knocking eachother)
’‘Will she ever talk to me again now that I fucked up?What am I going to do,be alone for good now?Am I breaking down from all the disappointment and naught in my life?What comes next?What do I do?What DID I do wrong?Do I deserve all their despise?Will SHE also despise me now?’‘
Feeling dead inside and more isolated that ever,I ignore her as she tries to pull me back.All these unanswered questions in my head keep me from hearing what her pretty lips say.I am waling over the classroom life a dead man with everyone in the hallways avoiding me.
’‘What’s wrong with me?Why are all these worthless souls staring at my face?’‘
Full of anger and despise for these ones around me,staring and whispering,impaling my contience even deeper,I shout:
-WHAT THE ■■■■ DO YOU WANT?
I did not realize hw bad it sounded.As a metal head,I know how to execute a technique called ‘‘falsecord’’,that I accidentally couldn’t control.
A dude dressed in black,with huge eyebags due to lack of sleep,with long hair,a chain that’s clicking to the side of his pocket,with the look that would make you think he is ready to kill.
As I screamed,the people on this corridor backed away,shocked.A girl I saw somwehere before started crying and that only added to the tendion in the air.
(Voices from the crowd) -Back off,he’s that satanist.
-You heard that scream.He’s not human.
-Look at his eyes,aren’t those the eyes of a killer?
-HE’S COMING THIS WAY,HELP!
No,my dear,those are the eyes that had a shit life,started his day in such a good way,only to find out that all the bullshit from his past will be happening over and over again.It’s the dead look of a broken soul,dead inside.
I tried to calm down.As a natural deceiver,I tried to mask my pain and put up a smile by the time I was close to my class.People were still following me with their looks,scared to death as to what they just witnessed.
I try to move my cheeks upwards to form a fake smike.
I open that door and someone stops me.It was that guy I hate from the bottom of my heart,Michael,pointiong something at me.
He comes closer and shows me a recording.I try to let out a little laugh and move back to my seat,when I hear:
(Recording) ‘‘Sylvie,I think I’m…’‘
I look at the the phone he helds up in his hand.
I reached desperation in that moment,begging inside my mind that he stops it.
(Recording) ‘’…in love with you.’‘
What took place next wasn’t just a laugh,it was mockery screaming.
As I heard them yelling and saw them staring at me,frozen in place,I could not take them anymore.
(Desperate,not thinking straight,losing control and shaking violenly)
’‘Their faces,all pointed towards me.Their eyes,locked…Look at them torturing you,Allain.Did you do anything do deserve this?Then Why?’’
-WHY THIS?WHY ME?FOR WHAT?WHY YOU?
I couldn’t hear them anymore as a loud sound overcame my ear.I got on my knees ans this wild sound unbalanced me.They were circling aroung their prey…
Incomprehensible loud sound
I was not shaking anymore,but I felt like my feet were stading up on their own…I was…losing control of my body…My mind is clouded and is being engulfed by hate…
’‘Why?Do you hate them?Do you despise them?’‘
I was asking myself in my own blurred thought.
’‘How bad would you like to see them dead?’’
-With everything I have.
Laura looks at me in terror.Like…there was something on my face other than my dead-inside look.
’‘Do you want to see them all dead?’’
-(desperate) ALL OF THEM!
Suddenly,I couldn’t see anymore and couldn’t hear anything byt my thoughts.
’‘I want to feel their blood dripping from my hands…(imagining,sound echoes)Drip drips’'
I was broken.
The drippingsound has gone off…Now I can’t hear,feel or see anything anymore.Feels like I’ve fallen into the void…It is…peaceful here…fina…ly…
Everything goes blank